A Cop's Top Ten Rules for 'Dating My Daughter'

[Junkman2008]

Subject: My Ten Ten of Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell are not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:
"Early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like the dishes, or changing the oil
in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goosedown parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your going out and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Covers anything that rules 1-9 didn't address. This rule is subject to change without notice so don't violate it.

[C5 Dude]

This is my opening for would be dates........

I have one daughter and four boys. So in other words I have spares for those nit wits, but only one princess. So beware, and I send the boys to spy, if they catch you, they will bring you back to me and we will chat. I have a large piece of land with very deep holes and old refrigerators and many ratchet straps. I'm sure you can figure out how that will work for you. I'm old, but I've been in two wars and for the past ten years have worked on a tactical unit that deals with the worst of the worse.

They too would have my back. So if you don't believe me.....TRY ME. Please try me.

My little girl is 21 now and in her third year of colledge. Yes the boys now days may be smarter than me in books, younger than me in looks, and maybe even faster in the 100 yarder.......but they arent smarter, better looking, or faster than my .40 Glock. And they damb sure arent meaner than I am.

[C3C6 Norm]

Good stuff.

Had 2 boys, my one son had twin girls (7 now), I have to laugh at him every time we start talking about when the girls get older and start dating, he's in for a treat.

[KennyGS]

Great stuff!

I remember dating a girl in high school, whose dad was a very large man. He told me before my first date with his daughter, that if she comes home unhappy, then I will be very unhappy.

Needless to say she was never unhappy while we dated.

[Texdentist]

I had a dental assistant years ago that was from New Jersey and Italian descent. It was rumored that her father had Mafia ties. She says when a young man came to pick her up, her father would simply say, "Nice to meet you. I'm glad you're taking my daughter out tonight. I just want you to know.... if you get my daughter pregnant.... I WILL cut your dick off." She rarely had a second date.