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Old 05-16-2013, 12:28 PM   #1
Matt383
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Golf

Golf adages..


When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit.
Author Unknown











Bury my balls next to the old bag.


Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing The rest I've just wasted.
Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Raymond Floyd

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
Jim Bishop

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
Paul Harvey

Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are
inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf.. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Author Unknown

Gone golfin' ... be back about dark thirty.
Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work.
Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .
Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being
good at them.
Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.
Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of bagpipes.
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people...I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
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Old 05-27-2013, 08:42 AM   #2
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More GOLF

24 Laws of Golf


LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing
that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th
hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of
a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proved in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made
with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree
is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
instructor.

LAW 6
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your
group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.


LAW 7:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.

LAW 8:
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly
out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.

LAW 10
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot
is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:
If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14:
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you're lying 8.

LAW 15:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 16
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17
It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.

LAW 18:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large
tree.

LAW 19:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of
the time.

LAW 20:
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or
triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 21:
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it
to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and
which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 23:
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 24:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it .
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people...I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Old 05-27-2013, 05:03 PM   #3
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I think your numbers on law 19 are optomistic.

Its got to be more like 1 percent and 99 percent.
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America is all about speed.
Hot, nasty, badass speed.
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:41 PM   #4
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Pregnant women

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, named Mike, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people...I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Old 06-24-2013, 03:43 PM   #5
Matt383
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Phil Mickelson drives his Mercedes into a petrol

station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,

obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner

completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Phil nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Phil.
What on earth are they for?
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Phil.

"Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people...I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Old 06-24-2013, 04:11 PM   #6
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Law 21 is me....EVERY damn time.
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"Bella" - 2002 Z06 - Carrying on family tradition of Corvette ownership.

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Click here for more info about our cars and autocrossing and other Corvette stuff.
Old 06-25-2013, 10:43 AM   #7
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I know you all have some golf humor to add.

Here's another........


Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?"
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people...I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Old 06-25-2013, 04:03 PM   #8
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Old 06-25-2013, 05:44 PM   #9
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i'm sure someone smarter than me can figure out how to make a link to it, but if you haven't seen it, go to youtube and search Robin Williams golf, got to be the most hilarious golf skit i've ever seen
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Old 06-25-2013, 06:17 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Golfguy View Post
i'm sure someone smarter than me can figure out how to make a link to it, but if you haven't seen it, go to youtube and search Robin Williams golf, got to be the most hilarious golf skit i've ever seen
Seen it many times.

Here ya go:



Hilarious!
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people...I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
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Old 06-27-2013, 11:06 PM   #11
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Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are
inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Ben Hogan

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Old 06-28-2013, 06:34 PM   #12
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Great post Bro!
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1990 Midnight Blue Pearl Corvette, Z-51, 6 Speed, Ansa Performance Mufflers, Walker rear Y, ZR-1 Wheels, K&N + open lid, chip, GS Flares.
Old 06-28-2013, 07:48 PM   #13
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Golf! Probably the most stressful game I have ever played. I hate and love it at the same time. A great shot is remembered way longer than the 15 bad shots.
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Old 08-05-2013, 07:28 AM   #14
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Top 10 Caddy Responses

Ten Best Caddy Responses . .

Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . .
An old favorite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . . He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . .. .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"
Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .
Caddy: "No sir, it�s at the other end"
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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people...I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Old 08-07-2013, 10:44 PM   #15
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When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit.
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