At the Scottish wedding reception, the D.J yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore .....
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A man goes into Barnes & Noble and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."
Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike! - Willie Nelson
A guy broke into my house last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Just got scammed out of $25.
I bought Tiger Woods’ new DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Let others know so they won't get scammed too.
Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress yourself.
The Moral of the story: In real life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For pities sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people will you be flying with?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."