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Old 01-31-2009, 06:11 AM   #1
Wing
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Talking Tool Definitions.....

I have been off work for 2 months now and during the "paid vacation"
I have done a lot of work around the house. I thought I would write down some things I have learned during the last few weeks.....Charlie


________________________________________ __________________________

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh sh--"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of
old age.

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off
in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats , vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts . Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.
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"I have a handful of skittles ...."
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Old 01-31-2009, 08:25 AM   #2
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sounds like operator error
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Old 01-31-2009, 08:48 AM   #3
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There's one more.
Drain pan: A pan that is made to catch nuts bolts and tools. They tend to work best when they are completely full of hot oil..
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2012: "Hoping" for "Change".
Old 01-31-2009, 11:42 AM   #4
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good ones!
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- 2001 C5
- 2001 Dodge Viper GTS

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1977, 1970 C3, 2003 C5 (Sold)

Chris

Old 01-31-2009, 11:46 AM   #5
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Old 01-31-2009, 02:03 PM   #6
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AIR POWERED STAPLE GUN:
Used to shoot a 2" coated staple thru your finger.

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"A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile."
Old 01-31-2009, 04:43 PM   #7
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ouch !
Quote:
Originally Posted by k0bun View Post
AIR POWERED STAPLE GUN:
Used to shoot a 2" coated staple thru your finger.

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Old 01-31-2009, 05:02 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by k0bun View Post
AIR POWERED STAPLE GUN:
Used to shoot a 2" coated staple thru your finger.

i would be more woried about getting it out then taking a picture.
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:01 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigred vette View Post
i would be more woried about getting it out then taking a picture.
The first thing I did, after saying FUCK! of course, was pull out my phone and snap a few pics. I had to have it looked at though to make sure it didn't damage any nerves or the bone. I went on antibiotics because it was coated in oil and other chemicals. Pretty stupid but the pic makes for a good story.
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"A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile."
Old 01-31-2009, 06:02 PM   #10
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Breaker Bar: any object that can be used to extend the length of a tool
for leverage to loosen rusted or very tightly installed nuts or bolts, but
must often resulting in breaking all your tools that you attach it too....
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Old 03-25-2009, 09:09 PM   #11
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Volt Meter: Used for shorting out good circuits until you find the one that was bad in the first place.

Torque wrench: Most often used to set the appropriate torque number in the wrong unit of measure, making the wheels extra secure, so that a tire shop wont be able to remove the wheel to change the tire as the lug and the stud have become one piece. (ask me how I came up with that)

Heat gun: For heating a pliable textured material until it flexes to the curves you are covering and then melting the two together for added holding strength. You know you have achieved bond when all the texture becomes smooth and chalky black in color.

Weatherstrip adheisive: Bonds rubber to a door to form a seal that leaves a gap to ensure weather passes through, as the name implies.
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WD40 was first made in 1953, named for being the Water Displacement formula, perfected on the 40th try. Does the year sound familliar?
Old 03-25-2009, 09:57 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wd40 View Post
Volt Meter: Used for shorting out good circuits until you find the one that was bad in the first place.

Torque wrench: Most often used to set the appropriate torque number in the wrong unit of measure, making the wheels extra secure, so that a tire shop wont be able to remove the wheel to change the tire as the lug and the stud have become one piece. (ask me how I came up with that)

Heat gun: For heating a pliable textured material until it flexes to the curves you are covering and then melting the two together for added holding strength. You know you have achieved bond when all the texture becomes smooth and chalky black in color.

Weatherstrip adheisive: Bonds rubber to a door to form a seal that leaves a gap to ensure weather passes through, as the name implies.
good ones!
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